"Four Ways to Avoid Absorbing People's Energy
"1. Walk Away
Let's say you're chatting with a man you've just met at a conference and your energy starts bottoming out. Here's how to tell if you're being zapped: Don't hesitate to politely excuse yourself; move at least twenty feet from him (outside the range of his energy field). If you receive immediate relief, there's your answer. Most people are oblivious to how their energy affects others. Even energy vampires — people who feed off your energy to compensate for a lack of their own — aren't generally intending to sap you, yet they still do. Obnoxious or meek, vampires come in all forms. Watch out for them. For years, reluctant to hurt anyone's feelings, I needlessly endured these types of situations and suffered. How many of us are so loath to appear rude that a raving maniac can be right in our face and still we don't budge for fear of offending? Whenever possible — if your well-being feels at risk with an individual or group — give yourself permission to make a tactful and swift exit. In a spot, physically removing yourself is a sure, quick solution.
"2. Shield yourself.
A handy form of protection used by many people, including healers with trying patients, involves visualizing an envelope of white light (or light of any color you feel imparts power) around your entire body. Think of it as a shield that blocks out negativity or physical discomfort but allows what's positive to filter in. For instance, your sister is on the rampage. She's about to blow up; you don't want her anger to shatter you. Now — take a deep breath, center yourself, engage your shield. Picture it forming a fail-safe barrier around you that deactivates anger, negative energy simply can't get to you. Shielding is a deliberately defensive technique aimed at guarding your feelings, not repressing them. It works by establishing a perimeter of protection around you that doesn't permit harm.
"3. Practice vulnerability.
One tenet of my spiritual practice is to remain as vulnerable as I can to everything; not to shield, the antithesis of defense. Some people prefer my strategy, some don't. Use it if it succeeds for you. Here's the premise (not madness) behind this practice: If we solidify our bond to our inner self, we'll become centered enough not to need to defend. Thus, the best protection turns out to be no protection — a stance that initially alarmed me. It didn't seem possible I could do hands-on energy work with patients who had cancer or depression, for example, without absorbing their symptoms myself. But it was. What could be more liberating than to find I could hold my own and remain open! Too often we're taught to equate vulnerability with weakness. Not so. I like being vulnerable and also strong. This disarms people. To me the appeal of such an approach is that it's a nonfear-based way of living in the world. It requires that you increasingly harmonize with whatever you confront, let it flow through you, then recenter again, stabilized by your own resilience. Pace yourself. A vulnerable posture will feel safer the stronger you get. It is a choice and a lifelong practice.
"4. Meditate.
To cement your inner bond and hold your center in any situation, I recommend a daily practice of meditation in which you focus on the spirit within. Doing so gets you into the habit of connecting with yourself. Start with a few minutes, then gradually increase the duration. The technique is simple: Follow your breath and explore the silence. It is not void or empty; that's the mystery. As thoughts come, and they will, continue to refocus on your breath — every inhalation, every exaltation. The spaces between thoughts are where your spirit waits to be discovered. There is something real in there worth finding. My spirit feels like a core of head-to-toe warmth, aligned through the center of my body. Imbued in the warmth is an intelligence and intuitive responsiveness to my rhythms and questions. It speaks only truth, which resonates like a chiming in every cell. Silently become acquainted with your spirit. Notice how it manifests itself, which may be very different from my experience. You can return to your spirit to reinforce who you really are — not just the self you present to the world but that part of you that is timeless. Make room to pursue it.
"These four methods will increase your ease when relating to anything — computers, bossy people, heights, barking dogs. What's particularly gratifying is that with your earned sense of security often comes the desire to be more generous. Less to defend, more to give. To keep your energy high it's worth deciding on a mode of giving that feeds you. In the process realize there's an enormous difference between codependent giving and giving from the heart. Codependency is taking inappropriate responsibility for the emotions or behaviors of others — sometimes caring so much for people that you forget to care for yourself. The old joke is that when a codependent dies it is your life that flashes before her eyes. Not good. This kind of giving, often spurred by guilt or obligation, can leave you feeling put upon, unappreciated, sucked dry. In contrast, giving form the heart is never forced, makes you happy, is restorative. In terms of empathy, to ensure your energy stays at its peak, try to avoid getting hooked in by condependency issues. The classic book on this subject I recommend is Melody Beattie's Codependent No More.
As an empath you must remain as conscious of your motivations as possible. A clever therapist once pointed out to me, 'The qualities you take on from other people are those you're not clear about in yourself.' Of course, I thought. Fear, for instance. It can creep up on me unnoticed or linger subliminally. If I'm out of touch for too long, my intuitive empathy notifies me by cranking up fall blast. I not only begin to sense other people's fear more vividly but also become a magnet for it; everyone suddenly seems to be afraid of something, and that cacophony resounds in me. Ugh. But once I uncover the root of my own fear, the 'hook' vanishes. I'm no longer as sensitized to this quality in others and do not empathically take it on.
"By staying on top of your emotions, you can avoid attracting what you're unresolved about. Regarding intuitive empathy, memorize this principle: Rage attracts rage. Fear attracts fear. Kindness attracts kindness. Don't allow resentments or insecurities to accumulate. What you are you will summon toward you. For this reason among others, over the years I've been in and out of psychotherapy. Here's my rationale: If I have no buttons to push, empathy can't drain me. I may sense someone's discomfort and think to myself, Aha, isn't that interesting, but as long as I remain a channel, not resisting or engaging the feeling, it doesn't glom on. Thus the importance of self-awareness, so you can enjoy the thrill of being intuitively alive.
"With a firmer feel for what empathy is and how it affects you, you're free to explore its nuances. For me empathy invokes a oneness, a brotherhood and sisterhood each of us can embrace. Acknowledging this unity brings us deeper compassion, a truth the Beatles captured in 'I Am the Walrus': 'I am you and you are me and we are all together.' Really living this means an inescapable encounter with love. Love, every second, every minute, every hour. You'll see it glowing from faces of strangers and family, from animals, stars, and flowers. No life-form is exempt. Empathize with such goodness. Soak it up. I do.
"Once you've established a comfortable philosophy of giving, and gotten used to setting boundaries with others, empathy can become a seamless extension of your heart. In my workshops I have a privileged perspective, sometimes looking out on rooms filled with hundreds of people. All that love. I wish everyone could experience the wonder of this sight. It's rare now, only when I'm overtired or need time out, that I incorporate untoward energy. This is a miracle. If I can accomplish such a feat, you can too."