The Ineffective Art of Blaming

"Though blaming is a mind trap, it deserves more attention as it is one of the most destructive habitual ways we have of relating to ourselves and others.

"When I was a kid, my family went on a ski trip to Mammoth Mountain, California. I felt like I was pretty good and told my dad that I was ready to go on a harder run. So up we went. My body was becoming increasingly filled with nervous and excited energy as I saw the lift passing the usual stops and approaching the end of our ride. I performed a flawless exit from the lift, and as you can imagine, I was extremely proud of myself. I took off down the hill ahead of my dad and soon noticed that there were a number of moguls (small bumps in the snow). I started going faster. I then hit the moment that anyone who has skied or snowboarded experiences where you feel out of control; fear surged through me as my legs became wobbly, and I smashed into the snow face-first. When my dad came up to where I was lying in the snow, the first words out of my mouth were 'Dad, it's your fault!'

"Though that story usually leaves a few people chuckling around the dinner table and may have been age-appropriate behavior for a kid, when an adult blames others frequently, it isn't quite as funny.

"Blaming isn't a conscious act; it happens automatically and habitually. We learn it from our parents, teachers, cultures, and religions. As children, when we feel we are in trouble, our sense of belonging or love from others feels threatened, so we practice and repeat the art of blaming so we can deflect threats away from ourselves.

"After enough repetitions, of course, blaming becomes automatic and slips beneath our conscious radar, and we no longer think about it; it's just the way we're programmed. Half the time (or more), we don't even notice we're doing it. Blaming is commonplace.

"I frequently see blaming in action in couples therapy, from proclamations as blatant as 'It's all your fault. All our problems are because of you' to 'You make me nuts when you don't put the toilet seat down.' Individuals often engage in the self-blame game. We say, 'There's just something wrong with me.' Self-blame is sometimes the most insidious and needs to be recognized and addressed. I also see blame in the workplace: 'The reason I didn't get my work done was because my coworker kept distracting me.' Or with addictive behaviors: 'If I didn't have so many friends around me who drank, I wouldn't be drinking as much.' Whether it's self-blame or blaming others, blaming is an unhealthy mind trap. Although it may give us short-term relief, it always comes back to bite us and makes us feel worse.

"Identifying blaming as a mind trap allows us to name it, step into the choice point, and get unhooked. Naming the blame allows us to see the anger that's driving it. In a space of awareness we can notice the burning in our chest, the constriction of our hands. We can play with bringing compassionate attention to the feeling and begin to have some insight into what we truly need, which is usually more self-compassion. Identifying blaming and moving on from it reinforces: 'If you can name it, you can tame it.' "