"Grief," according to Guy Newland, "is the process of adjusting to unwanted change, and since change is unrelenting, we bear every day unrecognized micro-gifts." He is a professor of religion and Chair of the Department of Philosophy and Religion at Central Michigan University,
Newland's wife Valerie was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004 and with metastatic disease in 2012. Married for 28 years, Newland was stunned by the deep grief he experienced after her death in 2012. He knows in his head the teachings of the dharma, the roles of detachment and karma, and the necessity of coming to terms with impermanence, but during his mourning, he encounters complications while trying to put these teachings into practice.
"On the last ride home from the hospital, Valerie whispered, 'It's not fair,' and I said, 'No.' Just an acknowledgement. The universe gave us no guarantee; it has no customer service number. There is no one to whom we can complain and, in the end, nothing to complain about."
Newland finds a little crumb of solace and refuge in "not knowing" as one of the best anecdotes to loss. The other bit of advice he offers is to be kind, curious, and animated by a quiet and dignified humility. There is nothing here that is headline news — just small and moving doses of love and respect for his wife and his grief.
