"A central feature of a trustworthy commitment is keeping agreements. A partner who is leading a double life cannot offer that. A secret life refers to a parallel existence in which someone is engaging in another relationship, an addiction, or another set of behaviors, known only to himself. This can take the form of having an affair or having one or more partners or families in other towns. It may also be a sex addiction, such as to pornography, frequenting of strip clubs or prostitutes. It may involve an alternative lifestyle, such as a sexual orientation not in keeping with what someone says is his. The addiction can also be to gambling, alcohol, or drugs.
"An irony appears in the choice of a double life. Usually, the one who engages in secrecy seeks to keep the focus of a partner or family away from himself. Yet, by his lifestyle, he actually draws attention to himself. That is an example of the human comedy at work: we do what is meant to protect us from scrutiny and thereby draw it to ourselves more emphatically.
"People who engage in a double life usually do not see what they do as breaking trust with the other person. They believe, or rationalize, that they have certain needs that their partner cannot fully understand and should not be required to fulfill. They rationalize that they can find their own private satisfaction of these needs without harm to their primary relationship. They might not want to upset their stable life at home by letting the truth come out. They might be ashamed or afraid to let their needs be known. They might believe they are 'only experimenting' and that justifies their behavior.
"Surreptitiousness is the style of a double life. We are purposely misleading our partner. Our motive is not to protect our inner core, as it is in legitimate secrecy, but rather trying to appear one way and act in another. This is why a secret life that is meant to deceive a partner lacks integrity. We are giving the impression that we are maintaining a bond when in truth we're not.
"Some people enjoy the success of their deception because it means they have fooled others. However, gaining a sense of power and satisfaction by getting away with something, pulling the wool over someone's eyes, is a sign of immaturity. A mature adult will not find pleasure or power in trickery or sham but in sharing, in coming forward, in affirming an identity rather than masking it."
