"When you believe the thought that anyone should love you, that's where the pain begins. I often say, 'If I had a prayer, it would be: "God spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen." ' To seek people's love and approval assumes that you aren't whole.
"The only relationship that is ever going to be meaningful is the relationship you have with yourself. When you love yourself, you love the person you're always with. But unless you love yourself, you won't be comfortable with someone else, because they're going to challenge your belief system, and until you inquire, you've got to do war to defend it. So much for relationship. People make these unspoken contracts with each other and promise each other that they won't ever mess with the other person's belief system, and of course, that's not possible.
"How do you react when you think you need people's love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can't bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon?
"In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren't, and then when they say 'I love you,' you can't believe it, because they're loving a facade. They're loving someone who doesn't even exist, the person you're pretending to be. It's difficult to seek other people's love. It's deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.
"Romantic love is the story of how you need another person to complete you. It's an absolutely insane story. My experience is that I don't need anyone to complete me. As soon as I realize that, everyone completes me.
"Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That's not a possibility. It's only when I believe a story that I get hurt. And I'm the one who's hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don't have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I'm the one who can stop hurting me. It's within my power.
"Everything is equal. There is not this person or that person. There's only One. And that's the last story. It doesn't matter how you attempt to be disconnected; it's not a possibility. The thought that you're believing is an attempt to break the connection. But it's only an attempt. It can't be done. That's why it feels so uncomfortable. It's an attempt to identify as an 'I.' And that's a full-time job, until it's not."
