" 'Yeah, Doc, what's the news?' answered Fred when his doctor called with his test results. 'I have some bad news and some really bad news,' admitted the doctor. 'The bad news is that you only have twenty-four hours to live.' 'Oh my God,' gasped Fred, sinking to his knees. 'What could be worse news than that?' 'I couldn't get hold of you yesterday.' "
"A minister, a priest, and a rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked, 'When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregants are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?' The minister says, 'I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' The priest says, 'I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.' The rabbi replies, 'I would like to hear them say, "Look, he's moving." ' "