When your motivation in communicating is to "win" the discussion or change the other person, you are doomed to fail. If you truly want to heal the conflicts in a relationship, first you need to sit quietly and become aware of your own thoughts and feelings, the hopes and fears that are operating behind your perceptions and communications. In your previous communication, what were your expectations of this person? That he would admit he was wrong, or promise to change? That he or she would never make another mistake, or would promise never to hurt you again? That he would extend his love to you in the exact way you think it should be shown?
Similarly, you must become aware of your fears about communicating with the other person. Are you afraid of being rejected or misunderstood, of feeling ashamed or foolish? Afraid of having your feelings hurt once again? The hope that another person will never hurt you, or will always love you perfectly, is unrealistic, as is the expectation that the other person must change in order for you to be happy. The only freedom you have is to change yourself.
Thus, you need to become aware of your habitual identification with the "selfish ego" and realize you can identify instead with your true nature: a clear and fundamental goodness, or "good heart." Meditating and connecting with this highest aspect of your being will help you tap into your own wellspring of love and meet the other person without fear.
— Christine Longaker in The Wisdom of Listening by Mark Brady