"Lying on my back on that padded floor, every molecule of tension and turmoil within me drained from my body. I gave myself to the gravitational pull of a profound peace that pervaded my being. I became absolutely still and intensely present. It was like a new 'me' had emerged, one acutely alert to my inner world. I was aware of the tamed energy of rage on the edge of my consciousness, and of the wounded boy slumbering before me. But the 'I' that was aware of them was qualitatively different. It was unshakably grounded, infinitely calm, and infused with a love that held them both with affection.
"I felt like the mirrored surface of a pond, utterly without a ripple in its stillness—a pond that could hold in its reflection, without judgment or distortion, anything that came to it. I had a vague sense of other beings peering from the shadows of my underworld—my other demons of despair, self-loathing, and sordid fantasizing; the other boys trapped in abusive nightmares throughout my childhood—all of them longing to be seen, honored, and held as well. In the still waters of that loving reflection, every one of them was welcome; every one of them could come and be met with grounded presence and unqualified care. This 'I,' capable of such absolute calm and abounding compassion, was an 'I' that I had not known before. It was the 'I' that I yearned to be, the “I” that I longed to never stop being, the 'I' of both restored sanity and spiritual expansiveness. I lay there, as still as could be, savoring what it was like, finally, to be the me that I had found so elusive.
"Then it intensified exponentially. As I rested in that peacefulness, the sense of presence began to swell. I felt the unmistakable certainty that I was not only holding, I was also held. The still pond of my caring openness was nestled in a cosmic ocean of compassionate presence. I was but a tiny molecule of a boundless sea that holds, without judgment or distortion, all things in the reflection of its unequivocal love. As I lay motionless on that padded floor, the waters of that cosmic presence seeped through all the crevices of our universe and flowed into every particle of my being. The veil that separates this world from the numinous did not merely lift its corner for a peek at the sacred reality behind it; it had dissolved altogether. I was fused with the energetic force field of love that holds and enlivens all things—its currents were coursing throughout my body. These were the waters into which all the world’s pain flows for healing, the glassy depths where all the world’s rage is received and restored. This was the sea of celestial compassion, and I was totally immersed within it. The stillness was so complete, the care so expansive, the hum of its vitality so energetic, I did not want to breathe. I did not want to move a muscle. I did not want to trouble the waters of that oneness with even the tremble of a heartbeat. I lay as motionless as possible, my every cell charged with sacred presence."
