It's hard to live in joy if we don't feel worthy. And it's hard to feel truly know-it-in-my-bones, nobody-can-take-it-away worthy if we keep asking somebody else to declare us lovable. Yet that is what we do, far too often. When I am with couples, one person is invariably hurt because the other person keeps failing to deem him or her lovable. An impossible task. We want our lover, spouse, children, best friend, or even a one-night stand to deem us worthy and lovable. But developing self-worth is truly an inside job.
Our Inner Self waits patiently inside for us, not somebody else, to tell us we deserve love. My Inner Self waits inside for me to love myself, even when I feel sad, even when somebody is angry with me, even when life as I've known it appears to be falling apart all around me. Only we have the power to deem ourselves worthy, deserving of love. Only we can stop giving that power away. Once that power is in place, then our task becomes teaching loved ones how valuable and worthy we are….
All aspects of ourselves need to feel loved, not just the bright, attractive, strong, successful parts, which easily gain approval. In our culture, however, feelings of unworthiness have reached epidemic proportions. The dark shame we feel about being molested needs the light of love shone on it. The guilt we carryover being divorced, having an abortion or affair, or failing in our business venture needs love. The fear we feel about someone finding us boring or empty inside needs love. Any aspect of ourselves we think we have to hide from others needs love, our love….
It's one thing to tell ourselves, "I'm worthy and deserving." It's another thing to feel worthy and deserving of unconditional love. We have to give ourselves unconditional love first. Then we can receive it from others. We need to listen to all of our feelings, and practice self-nurturance, self-appreciation, and self-honoring. It's through these daily acts of kindness toward ourselves that we begin to feel worthy and deserving of love. Through our actions, we teach others how to honor and love us unconditionally….
If all parts of ourselves deserve unconditional love, then there are no more places left to hide. We get to be who we are, our essential Being, and trust that. When our spirit asks (which it frequently does), "Am I safe to be me in the world?" we can answer, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" As we sweep away the old beliefs, our basic goodness emerges. Deep inside, we not only deserve love. We are love. We not only deserve joy. We are joy.
Practice Tools:
1. Become familiar with your old beliefs. Be curious and open as you invite buried beliefs into your awareness. Wonder to yourself, "What belief is fueling my repeated experience of rejection?" Or, "What belief about myself, or the world, is triggering my depression?" Ask sincerely, take some deep breaths, and listen patiently for whatever words or images bubble up into your awareness. Notice what triggers this old belief, and which feelings it triggers. As you recognize the subtle (and not-so-subtle) forms of "I'm unworthy and undeserving" inside, practice naming them out loud and letting them go.
2. Creating new beliefs often brings out a childlike giddiness in us. The minute you identify an old unconscious belief, look in the mirror and state your new belief out loud. State it as a fact, not merely an intention. For instance, rather than, "1 am willing to deserve love," say it as if it's already true: "I deserve love. I love myself unconditionally. I receive unconditional love from others." Especially if you uncover shame, guilt, or deep-seated fear, love that place daily.
3. Practice nurturing, honoring, and appreciating yourself. Tell yourself every day, "I love and approve of myself. Life supports and loves me." Notice how it feels in your body to hear this. Check in each morning and ask, "What am I feeling? What does my Inner Self need, based on what I just experienced?" Grow skilled at asking questions and patiently waiting for answers. Create time each day to honor your inner needs, feelings, and heartfelt longings.
4. Remember: unconditional love is something you are born with. Practice telling yourself, "I love myself unconditionally, even when someone is angry with me, or disappointed in me, or leaves me." Let loving yourself unconditionally be the secret talisman you carry in your pocket all the time, no matter what is happening around you, and no matter what you are feeling inside.
— Carolyn Hobbs in Joy No Matter What