After my mother died, I received a valuable suggestion from my spiritual director to make time each day for a specific period, about half an hour, to express my grief in whatever way it needed to come through. I would pause in the evenings as part of my night prayer and bring my mother’s presence close to my heart. I’d call to mind Psalm 56:8, which says the One who grieves with us puts all of our tears in a vial. Sometimes I would play a piece of music that helped to create space for whatever feelings were moving inside me. Sometimes I would journal for a while about what I missed about my mother. Sometimes I just sat in silence and let myself feel the emptiness of missing her.
This was a helpful practice because, first, it gave me time and space to enter into my grieving process and give it room for expression. Second, it helped me to be able to function at work as I knew I had a place to bring my grief later in the day. Sometimes the grief did erupt in messy places; mourning is like that. It won’t be controlled but can sometimes be lovingly contained. It helped me to show up day by day and tend to what was moving in my heart and soul.
I invite you to make a regular time in your own life for something you are grieving for right now. It may be the physical death of a loved one or it might be some other kind of loss, such as illness of yourself or another or loss of a job or dream. All of these are worthy of a ritual of time and space to dedicate to the grief process.
Begin by deepening your breath and grounding yourself by feeling your feet on the floor. Imagine sending roots deep into the earth beneath you. Invite in that sense of strength and stability that comes from being deeply rooted. Remember that if at any time you feel overwhelmed, you can step out of the meditation or return to this image of physical connection to the floor and, below that, the ground.
Start by naming the grief you want to honor. Then offer a prayer to open this time. It might be a breath prayer such as this:
Inhale: I surrender
Exhale: to sorrow.
With each inhale, repeat the words I surrender to yourself silently. With each exhale, repeat the words to sorrow. Let your exhale be full, perhaps even a heavy sigh. This kind of physical expression can open the gate for our tears to flow. Remember the God who pours our tears into a holy vessel.
Reflect on what your losses are: What about the presence of a loved one do you miss the most and grieve over its absence? The loss of a physical ability? The loss of a dream or plan?
As you feel emotion come up, try putting on a piece of music and letting your body move with it. Some suggestions are Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings or Vivaldi’s Nisi Dominus or some other favorite music that helps you get in touch with the more tender emotions. Invite your body into a prayer; see how your body wants to move. What would feel satisfying? Are there any sounds you want to make? Sometimes verbal expression of grief can be helpful and cathartic.
As the music subsides, let your breathing deepen again and return to being seated, giving yourself time to return to a quiet space within. You may want to spend tome more time journaling following this experience. You might want to write a letter to the person you are missing and let them know all the specific things you miss about them.
— Christine Valters Paintner in The Love of Thousands