Dear Soul Shift Companion, in order to prepare for a Practice of True Self-Worth, it’s important to consider what areas of your life could benefit from better boundaries and how they are impacted by the ways you measure your self-worth.
The following boundary assessment tool can help you do this. Its purpose is to help you identify instances when your needs or limits are being violated or your values or desires are being dismissed. As you read each statement, I encourage you to be beyond “yes” or “no” and really give yourself permission to expand on why or how.
Please remember: you are in shame-free territory. Resist the urge to place judgment on any of your responses. There are no “right” or “wrong,” “bad” or “good” answers here. You are simply gaining valuable awareness by being honest with yourself. Treat uncomfortable feelings as guidance. Through this courageous, introspective process, you are building a foundation for creating and maintaining healthy shifts in your life.
Boundary Assessment Tool
- Can you recall a time when you were treated badly and failed to speak up?
- Would it be accurate to say you give away too much of your time?
- Are there moments when you agree with people when you actually feel like disagreeing?
- Are there times when you say “yes” when you just want to say “no”?
- Have there been moments when you feel guilty after taking some time to honor your needs?
- Do you often feel taken for granted by others?
- Would you define any of your relationships as unbalanced, meaning you’re always giving and the other person is always taking?
- Are there times when you feel responsible for other people’s unhappiness, like you’re supposed to fix it?
- Are there times when you are what other people want you to be and not who you want to be?
- Would it feel accurate to say you have a chronic fear about what other people think of you?
At some point in my life, I’ve said “yes” to every one of these statements, which is what eventually provided the awareness I needed to create this enlightening tool. Now, whenever I find myself feeling resentful or agitated, I am able to recognize those feelings as indicators that my boundaries are being violated. I find the appropriate statement on the assessment list and go beyond the “yes” response to gain information, like this:
“Yes, I feel taken for granted when that person only reaches out to me when she needs something for her business endeavors. I feel angry I have allowed myself to be used and devalued by this person. What I am going to do differently now is _________________.”
Expanding on the resentment statement from the assessment tool is what prepared me to start setting healthy boundaries around this person. I encourage you to give it a try. The next time you feel resentful or frustrated, ask yourself, “Is my anger trying to tell me something? Are my boundaries being violated?”
As you face these situations, you might feel your pulse racing, your shoulders clenching, or your hands getting sweaty. You might think, This is really hard and uncomfortable. You are getting in touch with your authentic self – your needs, limits, preferences, and desires – which is difficult but vital preparation for honoring yourself.
— Rachel Macy Stafford in Soul Shift