"Let us now return to the general topic of happiness — a subject a little easier to discuss because although it is just as elusive, it concerns our basic orientation in life. Two theories predominate: The first says happiness comes when pleasure is at a maximum — the 'hedonistic theory.' The second holds that we are happy when we find meaning, even if it is through effort and frustration — the "eudaimonistic theory," from the Greek daimon, our true self. I find the latter theory more convincing. What counts is what we believe in. Joy comes because our life has meaning.
"Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has said that pleasure by itself is not enough for attaining joy. In his studies on flow, or optimal experience, he recorded the states a large number of people were in at various times of the day. When did they feel in a state of grace — when were they flowing? For the most part, it was not when they were just relaxing on the beach or eating a gourmet meal, but while their whole being was involved in an activity that required discipline, attention, and passion. They were playing chess, or playing the violin, or reading a philosophy book, or dancing. Whatever it was, it was what gave their life meaning.
"But what counts is not only the state of grace. It is also the basic mood with which we meet each day. And here the essential question is: Are we optimists or pessimists? Many studies demonstrate that an optimistic attitude has several benefits for health. Martin Seligman, in his book on this topic, shows that politicians who use optimistic words in their speeches are more likely to win elections, just as optimistic sports people are more likely to succeed. More recently, a wave of new research and the beginning of 'positive psychology' has drawn attention to this very subject. Meanwhile, a study conducted at the Mayo Clinic indicated that of 839 individuals tested thirty years earlier, those classified as pessimists had a forty percent greater probability of dying than those classified as optimists. In general, optimism protects the human organism from cardiovascular disease and improves the efficiency of the immune system. In sum, optimists do have a happier time and smaller medical bills.
"But we do not need research to know that joy feels great. The question is, how do we go about it? Or at least how can we become a bit more optimistic? I think that it is not too hard (I am optimistic). There are at least two easy steps everyone can take. First, we must analyze ourselves. Without going too deeply, most of us can quickly find several ways in which we stop ourselves from enjoying life: We are perfectionists, perhaps, or we let guilt haunt us, or we take ourselves too seriously, or else we focus on what is going badly in our lives. It is surprising how the act itself of becoming conscious of our self-sabotage is often enough to loosen the grip of these destructive attitudes. After all, we have been seeking happiness all our lives. When the mothers of young babies, instead of smiling at them, put on an impassive face, the babies protest and grow restless. They want the smile, not a stony face. What Assagioli used to say was probably right after all: We were born to be happy.
"But then we do our best not to be happy. Frequently enough, we discover a fear of being happy. This may seem absurd: Why should we fear that which we most desire? We are afraid of joy and happiness for several reasons. First, because we feel unworthy, as if happiness were only due to those who deserved it after years of labor. Furthermore, it appears frivolous: With all the pain in the world, how dare we be happy? Then again we are afraid that if we stop suffering and start enjoying ourselves, others will envy us and we will end by feeling different and isolated. We are also afraid that once we feel true joy, it will not last, and we will have the added unhappiness of knowing what we have lost. Finally, we fear happiness because at its most intense, it is overwhelming: happiness can be so great that we are afraid it will disintegrate us.
"The second way for approaching joyfulness is even simpler: asking ourselves what it is that makes us happy, a good question we rarely ask ourselves. It is odd, yet sometimes our lives are changed by a good question. What is it that makes us happy? Enjoying the beauty of nature, spending time with someone we love, doing physical activity, reading a book, playing music, rediscovering solitude: there are many possibilities, some of them very far, but some of them surprisingly at hand. We need only to get on with it. I am convinced that most of us are no more than twenty-four hours from joy — and that joy is in nearly everyone's reach. For others, it might take a little more time.
"The main doubt to overcome is that by seeking our own joy, we are somehow subtracting that of others. Actually, selfishness and altruism can be friends, not enemies. If we seek joy, we will be much more positive and open to others. We will be on their side. A multitude of studies shows that if we are happy, we are also more altruistic. Other studies show that if we are altruistic, we are also happier. For instance, those who do some kind of volunteer work are usually happier and more balanced than the average.
Further, we are happier if our relationships with those around us are good. Various research shows that the quality (and not the quantity) of our relations is a source of well-being. It has even been shown that health, vitality, and positive emotion vary in proportion to our feeling in rapport with other people. Precisely those who think of others, take part in their lives, try to alleviate their suffering, and feel linked to them are most likely to be happy and to discover the inestimable treasure of joy.
"Egoism and altruism need not be in opposition. We can be truly useful to others if we follow that which enriches and inspires us. This is the starting point if we are to bring kindness into our lives. How can we poison ourselves with bitterness, secretly envy others for being more fortunate than we are, complain that we neither do nor have what we want, cry over what does not go our way, plot revenge. . .and at the same time be kind? First, we have to find out what it is that gives us joy. This is a crucial task for everyone. Then it will be more likely that all will go well: Joy renders our relationships easier, more vital, and beautiful.
"The essential point here is transparency of intentions. Whoever succeeds in being kind without ulterior motives is more likely to feel joy than she who does the same but hoping for some benefit. 'What's in it for me?' This question ends up distracting us. We worry that we might not really get what we want, that we might be cheated, that our kindness might go unacknowledged and unrewarded. In this way, however, we forget to enjoy ourselves.
"In an old Eastern story, God wants to reward a man for his exceptional kindness and purity of intentions. He calls an angel and tells him to go to the man and ask him what he wants: He will have whatever his heart desires. The angel appears before the kind man and gives him the good news. The man replies, 'Oh, but I am already happy. I have all that I want.' The angel explains that, with God, you just have to be tactful. If He wants to give us a gift, it is best to accept. The kind man then replies, 'In this case, I would like all who come in contact with me to feel well. But I want to know nothing about it.' From that moment, wherever the kind man happens to be, wilted plants bloom again, sickly animals grow strong, ill people are healed, the unhappy are relieved of their burdens, those who fight make peace, and those beset by problems resolve them. And all this happens without the kind man's knowing — always in his wake, but never in front of his eyes. There is never any pride, nor any expectation. Unknowing and content, the kindly man walks the roads of the world, spreading happiness to everybody."
