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Rami Shapiro, Hasidic Tales
You are what you say. The quality of your speech reflects the quality of your soul. Idle speech is thoughtless chatter, suggesting a scattered mind. If you wish to improve the later, improve the former. But this effort must include all the words you use. Whether written, signed, spoken, or sung, a word has the power to heal or to harm. . . .
The Baal Shem Tov taught that a person is born with a fixed number of words to speak; when they are spoken, the person dies. Imagine that this is true for you. Every word that you speak brings you closer to death. The next time you are about to utter a word, ask yourself whether this word is worth dying for.
You are what you say
Sylvia Boorstein, It's Easier Than You Think
I think a lot about the fact that the Buddha made a separate category for Right Speech. He could have been more efficient and included it in Right Action, since speaking is a form of action. For a while I thought it was separate because we speak so much. But then I changed my mind — some people don't speak a lot. Now, I think it's a separate category because speech is so potent.
I read a sentence in a magazine years ago, a page filler added to the bottom of a column because the article wasn't quite long enough. I don't recall what magazine it was or what the article was about, but I remember the sentence. It said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can always harm me."
Sometimes, in a class, I will say, "Raise your hand if you have ever broken a bone." After people raise their hands, I say, "Leave your hand up if that bone still hurts you now." Usually, all the hands come down. Then I say, "Raise your hand if you still feel pain from something someone said to you in the past year." Lots of hands go up. "Keep your hand up if you have pain from a remark someone made about you in the last five years." Hands stay up. "Last ten years . . . twenty years . . . thirty years . . . a remark made before you were five years old." Many people still have an arm in the air. They look around at each other and smile, sheepishly, but I don't think anyone is amused. It is a lovely moment of shared compassion, of being a witness to the burden we have all borne of carrying the pain of hurtful remarks. Perhaps we think that if we are mature adults we should have gotten over the rebukes of childhood. I wonder if we ever do. I think we are all quite vulnerable, like cream puffs, crisp on the outside but fragile inside and very sweet.
Words can always harm me
Dilgo Khyentse, The Hundred Verses of Advice
There is a saying, "the mouth is a box of tricks, the gateway of all faults and all misdeeds." What comes out of peoples' mouths under the influence of negative emotions is chatter, lies, calumny, and harsh words. People seem to have an unlimited appetite for malicious gossip and constant speculation about wars and other bad news, which stir up the emotions even more.
The Mouth as a Gateway to Faults & Misdeeds
Edward Hays, The Old Hermit's Almanac
What we say is from the overflowing of our hearts. If your speech is full of negative comments about others, then your heart is overflowing with toxic acid. If your speech is tainted with the venom of cynicism and criticism, then your heart is full of poison. If you find your words green with envy and jealousy, even if they are disguised as humor, then you have a crystal clear x-ray of your heart filled with puss. Throughout this day, take frequent mini heart tests, even in the midst of a conversation, as you monitor your speech.
What we say is from the overflowing of our hearts
Geri Larkin, The Chocolate Cake Sutra
I myself love whining. It's just that I've learned, as an Eagle Scout watching the workings of my own brain, that it never helps anything. Not only does it not improve a situation, it just makes me crankier and tires the person I am whining at. That person already has enough on his or her plate just by being alive. . . . Finally a homeopathic solution surfaced. We would cure whining with whining! A whining hour was instituted. Every evening from five to six we could only whine. If the phone rang or a friend showed up, they were instantly introduced to the remedy. Within three weeks it was over. We had stopped. Where there used to be whining, there was now either quiet or a thank-you for something. While we both fall back into whining occasionally, given the deep roots of habit, mostly we don't. And mostly we're grateful for our lives and all their wild and wonderful components. Life became measurably easier, calmer, and more sane from this single shift.
A whining hour
Robert Frager, Heart, Self, and Soul
[Fasting means] to watch what comes out of our mouths as well as what goes into them. This includes refraining from speech or action that might harm others. . . .
If I can discipline myself from eating, I can also discipline myself from getting angry.
Watch what comes out of our mouths as well as what goes into them
Who Am I?
Although they were hermits, these Christians of the fourth and fifth centuries were often asked for their advice about very common conflict situations and pressures. Their teachings on handling complaints against others, not comparing, and not criticizing others are as apt today as they were in their times.
Desert Wisdom distills spiritual advice from the Abbas and Ammas of the fourth and fifth centuries. Although they were hermits, they were not cut off from the kinds of interactions that could spawn jealousy, competition, and resentment. Further, people came to them for advice on the kinds of conflicts and pressures they were experiencing, much of which still goes on today. Here are three examples of their teachings on hospitality and nonjudgment.
• "Once a brother committed a sin in Scetis, and the elders assembled and sent for Abba Moses. He, however, did not want to go. Then the priest sent a message to him, saying: Come, everybody is waiting for you. So he finally got up to go. And he took a worn-out basket with holes, filled it with sand, and carried it along.
"The people who came to meet him said: What is this, Father? Then the old man said: My sins are running out behind me, yet I do not see them. And today I have come to judge the sins of someone else. When they heard this, they said nothing to the brother, and pardoned him."
• "Abba Poemen said to Abba Joseph: Tell me how I can become a monk. And he replied: If you want to find rest here and hereafter, say in every occasion, Who am I? and do not judge anyone."
• "Abba Poemen said: There is one sort of person who seems to be silent, but inwardly criticizes other people. Such a person is really talking all the time. Another may talk from morning till night, but says only what is meaningful, and so keeps silence."
A teaching story and practices about forgiveness and non-judgment.
Open My Eyes
Open my eyes,
O God,
to the marvels that surround me.
Show me the wonder
of each breath I take,
of my every
thought,
word
and movement.
A prayer to open our eyes to God's wonder.
Have Check-ins at Dinner
Free speech is valued in a democracy, and it can be learned at your own dinner table. Celeste Headlee, radio host and author of We Need to Talk, recommends truly considering each other in our conversations. She cites research recommendations from the Greater Good Science Center at UC-Berkeley that could be put to good use during dinner time. First, listen actively to who's speaking. It helps to be fully present and pay attention to the speaker's face. Listen without interrupting, especially to dissenting opinions, and make sure each person has a chance to say everything s/he has to say. Acknowledge her or his emotional experience, especially when you can share joy. Look for commonalities. And when you don't understand why the speaker is acting and feeling a certain way, ask for more information by saying something like, "Tell me more about what happened," or "Tell me more about why you think/feel that." Listen and respond with compassion, especially when you disagree.
When you find yourself on different sides of an issue from another person at the table, Kay Lindahl, author of The Sacred Art of Listening, suggests listening without defending your position, and responding with something like, "I'll consider what you said," or "That's an interesting way to think about it," or "I can see how much this means to you." Practicing democratic conversations at the dinner table is good preparation for difficult conversations outside of your home.
Advice on having democratic conversations at the dinner table.
Count Your Words
In Hasidic Tales, Rami Shapiro writes that the Baal Shem Tov, the founder of Hasidism, said that a person is born with a fixed number of words to speak in his/her lifetime. When that count is reached, the person dies. So here is the practice: The next time you are about to criticize someone, to engage in gossip, or to utter any negative and hurtful words, ask yourself: Are these words worth dying for?
A practice to encourage gentle speech from a Hasidic master.