"The priest and the nuns at St. Paul Shrine think that God drew me to the shrine for some kind of purpose — of course they would think that, because that's what people like them think. I don't know about being drawn, but I do feel fortunate. I remember when I first sat through a mass and looked at all the people around me and wondered if having faith made their lives any easier. I wondered if faith did them any good. But at some point over the last three years, I realized that it was doing me good. I felt subtly buoyed and connected and illuminated by this experience. Happier isn't really the right word, because at times it seems that I feel other people's pains more keenly than ever before — that I'm on compassion overload. But in addition to all the other things that I used to do about their pains — try to be a faithful friend, a helpful neighbor, a kind stranger, a respectful critic, and an activist in one way or another — I also try to remember to pray. Sometimes, it seems as if that's the only thing that matters.
And, then, there are the many times when I forget. Something will ambush my daily ritual. Travel or illness will disrupt my weekly attendance at mass. I'll be too rushed to take the time to form a prayer when I hear about a new calamity, or I'll be too dispirited to try. Now that I don't talk to the nuns with any regularity, days or even weeks can go by without my remembering to turn to God. And sometimes when I try to reach for God, I have a failure of vision or imagination, which may be other words for faith: I can't see my way to the door in the darkness. I can't glimpse the corona of the divine glinting around the edges of the mundane. When I manage to bring myself back, I'll feel grateful all over again that the Poor Clares keep praying even when I don't. They maintain the fire of prayer, taking turns to tend it and feed it through the dark nights of the soul—mine and yours. We ache for love and compassion, we warm ourselves at the flames but we often forget to add our own tinder. Blessed are these women, for they continue to nourish the blaze."
