"Gratitude means giving up whining. We whine so much. I wonder how long this has been true. So what if life is hard? It is also glorious, educational, and hilarious. We get a chance to work off negative karma. Yet more and more I hear us focusing on the hard parts. Maybe it is my penchant for listening to people on their cell phones. The way I see it, if you are on your cell phone having a conversation I can hear, I get to listen. Last week I tallied the conversations, and here is the breakdown from twenty overheard calls:
Whining 76%
Planning/reminding 7%
Mushy, I-love-you stuff 10%
I couldn't quite hear 1%
Checking in on a child, partner, pet 6%
"Whining won, hands down.
"I myself love whining. It's just that I've learned, as an Eagle Scout watching the workings of my own brain, that it never helps anything. Not only does it not improve a situation, it just makes me crankier and tires the person I am whining at. That person already has enough on his or her plate just by being alive.
"Maybe a dozen years ago I explored the coast of China with a friend. We spent much of the time between cities sailing on a fancy cruise ship. Because she was a pale beauty and I knew something about China, we were invariably invited to join the 'in crowd' tables at dinner. These were tables of multimillionaires and famous people and intellectuals who were friends to both groups. While I can remember only one conversation — a Florida-based entrepreneur asked my friend if her pubic hairs were also blond (a quick indicator of how much alcohol was consumed each night) — I do remember the tenor of each night. It was whining. There was too much food or the wrong kind of food. Too much noise outside the cabins. The wrong entertainment. Too many stops on the coast or not enough stops or the wrong stops. All of us were whining — while we were being treated like gods. At the time I was so embarrassed by all of us that I vowed to stop whining forever.
"Returning to Ann Arbor, I announced to my unsuspecting preteen daughter that our whining days were done. She looked me over and ignored me, knowing that I often forget such noble intentions following a couple of good nights' sleep. Sure enough, within the week we were both whining to beat the band. I tried everything I could to get us to stop — a point system, small tangible rewards for measurable periods free from whining (Barbie clothes mostly) — but nothing worked.
"Finally a homoeopathic solution surfaced. We would cure whining with whining! A whining hour was instituted. Every evening from five to six we could only whine. If the phone rang or a friend showed up, they were instantly introduced to the remedy. Within three weeks it was over. We had stopped. Where there used to be whining, there was now either quiet or a thank-you for something. While we both fall back into whining occasionally, given the deep roots of habit, mostly we don't. And mostly we're grateful for our lives and all their wild and wonderful components. Life became measurably easier, calmer, and more sane from this single shift.
"Prework. Faith in ourselves. Gratitude. Faith allows us to stay open to all of the experiences that show up on our doorstep because we know we'll do our best, no matter what, and we know that our best is pretty capable. Gratitude keeps us focused on the world outside of ourselves. We start to see and then to feel all of the gifts coming our way every minute. Sunshine. Beautiful clouds. Birds. The mailman. An e-mail from a friend. A cup of tea. We are laying the groundwork for a sweet, sweet life, from our breath to our thoughts, a life in which Mel fits, and our best friend fits, and our former best friend fits, and so does everyone and everything in between. This simple acceptance, all by itself, makes us ready to start mixing the rest of the ingredients into a life that rocks, plain and simple. From a spiritual maturity perspective, faith and gratitude create fertile soil for the specific behaviors that can transform our experience of every day to one of deep happiness, laced with energy . . . without a Red Bull."
