"I believe we are all born with the capacity for gratitude, but many times we get in our own way. A common example of this is pessimism and perfectionism. Pessimists and perfectionists may have things to be grateful for in life but will rapidly find a reason why it is not right or perfect or how it could have been better. Their Neuroimaginal minds search for mistakes or flaws. In doing so, they immediately jump to the negative without enjoying even a brief moment of gratitude. 'Yes, but . . .' is their language. They can't enjoy a sandwich because it has too much mayonnaise or too little lettuce or the bread is too hard or too soft.

"On the other end of the spectrum are those who ignore difficulty until their lives fall apart. I often see this in people with significant spiritual lives and practices. They blind themselves to life's realities by diving deeper into their practices: 'If I just meditate and do my yoga, this will all go away.' I have seen many people who are not aware of themselves or the harm they do to others and use spiritual practice to avoid their real lives.

"My friend Nita and I refer to this as spiritual bypass. People use spiritual practices and beliefs to excuse the harmful things they do to others and avoid or 'bypass' who they truly are. Gurus and priests do this unconsciously to avoid the dark aspects of their personalities. This is how child abuse and sexual affairs can occur among religious leaders. They haven't dared to look at their shadows. They can enjoy their sandwiches, but while they eat, the ceiling falls down on them. Ignorance is not always bliss.

"Gratitude practice means facing reality, gaining awareness of the many aspects of yourself: your inner self, your one-self, your subpersonalities and those of the people around you. It means understanding and embracing your shadow. It means letting go of a need to control yourself and others, it means growing compassion for those who have hurt you, it means being aware of the difficult parts of your life and still being able to reach into your pocket on a dark, snowy night, just before you leap from a bridge, to find a small, innocent petal. Gratitude is the ultimate expression of hope.

"A healthy practice of gratitude is simple. You don't need to whitewash the bad, just remind yourself of the good now and then. Remember, what you look for is what you find."