"There are few aches worse than that of loneliness.
"So much comes with it: shame that you feel alone (sometimes even when you are in company); desire that you wouldn't be alone; fear that this is how it is and that you will be alone forever.
"Loneliness eats at our self-respect, and undermines self-love. It is one of the most widespread forms of suffering, and one of the hardest to speak about. Loneliness isn't solitude. In solitude you are not alone; you are with your own self.
"When it's loneliness that you are feeling, you experience a sense of being distanced from yourself, distrustful that you can help yourself, unsure of what you have to give or how you might receive what other people could possibly be offering.
"It can help to know that loneliness of this kind, even of the worst kind, is a very human thing. Perhaps in villages or towns where people all know who you are and where you came from there is less loneliness. But often in those idealized situations there are also strong pressures to conform. You can be lonely for who you really believe yourself to be, or who you want to be, even in the midst of familiarity and social plenty.
"Sometimes your loneliness is like a dark mood: difficult to bear while it's present, but you know that it will pass.
"Sometimes it marks a transition: from a busy day at the office into an empty house or apartment. Once the time of transition is over you settle into solitude, rather than loneliness.
"Sometimes the loneliness is another word for grief: you are lonely for someone who has come and gone, or perhaps for someone longed-for who never came. (You might be lonely for the partner you never had or the child you couldn't have — as much as for a child, parent, partner or friend who has gone away, is far away, or has died.)
"When loneliness seems to have taken up lodgings in your life, it is always worth seeking help. You may be much more lonely than you need to be because you are also depressed. This will be especially true if going out to be with people feels false or empty, or if it's hard to enjoy yourself even when you are in good company and not alone.
"Estrangement from yourself, feeling adrift from your own life, rejecting your own strengths, telling yourself that 'nothing matters' or that 'no one cares' are strong indications of depression. Help can be effective: both therapy and appropriate medication can make a significant difference that then gives you the energy to look more effectively at the root causes of your loneliness and to change the behaviors that reinforce your sense of being alone.
"We are social beings. Wanting companionship, stimulation, care, affection and interaction with other people is a very normal desire. Most of us underestimate how deeply other people want this. And when we are feeling low, we also underestimate how many people struggle to get their needs for closeness met.
"We are also spiritual beings. This doesn't mean that we all long for a relationship with the Divine, but many of us long to feel part of something greater than ourselves; to know that our lives have meaning. When this is making you restless there are many paths to explore, books to read, teachers to guide you. Sometimes it is not until we feel sufficiently lonely that we begin to see what we are lonely for.
"Taking initiatives can be the hardest thing to do when you are feeling unsure of yourself or demoralized. Yet those are also the times when your own positive initiatives are most necessary."
