Having an All-or-Nothing Approach to Life
"The perfectionist uses terms (mentally, if not verbally) such as right or wrong, always or never, or good or bad and says the word should as often as possible. These terms reflect the belief that there is always a correct way to think and be. Truth, of course, is often relative, determined by an individual at a particular time and place and given a specific set of circumstances. People's views are as numerous as the stars in the sky. Nonetheless, perfectionists believe they must find the right way, behave that way, and convince others to do the same.
"Here are some examples of this kind of thinking:
"• People should always be on time.
"• In an argument, it is essential to determine who is right and who is wrong. You must convince the other person that your way is right, and you should not give up until he or she agrees.
"• An activity shared with another person, like a movie, a television program, or a concert, is either good or bad. We should agree on our perceptions of that experience. If we don't, there is something wrong with you.
"• There is a proper way to drive a car, talk to others, dress, and work. If you or I do not perform this way, we are at fault.
"Perfectionist students may silently harbor the belief that they should know everything there is to know about a particular subject before taking a test or submitting a paper. I remember thinking that I should have read every book on alcoholism cover to cover before writing my master's thesis. Even though I received an A, I secretly believed that my paper wasn't as good as it should have been.
"When confronted with this thinking pattern, most perfectionists would acknowledge that it is neither realistic nor possible to be perfectly correct or thorough. But because we operate from low self-worth and emotional pain, we may believe that others are capable and that we are just not as good. This is a compulsive, irrational pattern of thinking."
