Someone brought up in a family where disagreements automatically lead to shouting matches and personal attacks will learn that pattern, or a reaction to it, such as stifling feelings about disagreements in order to avoid such shouting matches, early in life. With that learning will come a set of automatic thoughts and expectations about other people — for example, "The only way to get my feelings and needs noticed is to shout" or "If there's a disagreement, I have to attack before I'm attacked." And while we may not remember exactly how we learned our emotional habits, just as with riding a bike, they have become so familiar to us that they feel natural.

Tara Bennett-Goleman, Emotional Alchemy