Quotations Search Results
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Kent Nerburn, The Wisdom of the Native Americans
Silence was meaningful with the Lakota, and his granting a space of silence before talking was done in the practice of true politeness and regardful of the rule that "thought comes before speech."
Silence as a practice of true politeness
Thich Nhat Hanh, Awakening to the Sacred
Be peace, don't just talk about it.
Be peace, don't just talk about it
His Holiness The Dalai Lama, Mind in Comfort and Ease
When somebody says something unpleasant or hurtful to us, we need to learn to be patient and forbearing and remind ourselves that their words are like the sounds of an echo, and just as insubstantial and unreal.
When somebody says something unpleasant
Joan Chittister, The Ten Commandments
To all ancient people, names had meaning, names had power. According to the linguist, S. Potter, "A primitive man felt that the relationship between name and thing . . . was close and intimate. The frivolous or malicious handling of a name in speech might imply insult or injury to the person bearing the name. The very name was hallowed."
The very name was hallowed.
Isaak the Syrian , The Doubleday Christian Quotation Collection
Speech is the organ of this present world. Silence is the mystery of the world to come.
Speech is the organ of this present world.
A Slap in the Face
William B. Irvine is professor at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio, and the author of A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy and On Desire: Why We Want What We Want. In his introduction to this intriguing and engaging work, the author says its purpose is to "understand insults, the social role they play, the reason we are inclined to insult others, and the reason it hurts when they insult us."
Early in our lives many of us become well acquainted with words used as weapons against us. Although parents and teachers tell children that sticks and stones can break your bones and names can never hurt you, recent reports of the suicides of boys and girls bullied by their peers prove the danger in a constant barrage of insults and humiliations. Irvine talks about these forms of criticism as the equivalent of a slap in the face. Among European Hasidic Jews, using harsh words to shame or humiliate a person in public causes that individual to blush which is likened to a stabbing from within. They extend this description to include nonverbal insults via looks, gestures, and other subtle acts.
Power and ego play a large part in our need to ridicule, harm, tease, and put others down. Irvine examines Stoic philosophy and evolutionary psychology in his quest to understand the roots of the pleasure we derive from putting a world of hurt on others. In an impressive finale, he covers personal and societal responses to insults which include adopting codes of kindness, becoming a more civil society, and trying to restrict hate speech. The best spiritual advice comes from Buddhism: practice equanimity and ignore both praise and insults. This demands plenty of practice and goes against the grain of our culture where we are supposed to be responsive to both the accolades and the condemnations of others.
An intriguing work on understanding insults, the social role they play, and ways to deal with them.
Daniel Ladinsky, inspired by Hafiz in The Gift
WHY NOT BE POLITE
Everyone
Is God speaking.
Why not be polite and
Listen to
Him?
Why not be polite
The Five Keys to Mindful Communication
Interruptions from Silence
"Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it Improve on the silence?"
— Sai Baba
"The Zen master Jakusho Kwong Roshi describes the way his teacher, Suzuki Roshi, communicated. 'Often he would talk with his eyes closed, as if he was going somewhere inside to verbalize.'
"It's a good way to collect yourself when you talk, kind of like a nice deep pause, that you go back to the source and then you verbalize again. This is an example of a communication practice my teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche described as punctuating our words with space. We practice this first style of positive interruption by intentionally bringing gaps into our conversations, opening the space for genuine listening. When we're speaking, we can go back to the source of our own words, listening to ourselves.
"There are three benefits that come from adding more silence to our conversations:
• "Silence protects our mindfulness practice, making it easier to pay attention to whatever we're doing in the present moment.
• "Silence enables us to deeply listen to our environment. This includes the words as well as the subtle messages from other people.
• "Silence tunes us in to our natural communication system, the intuitive way of knowing that flows beyond the level of words.
"When we're hiking along a beautiful forest trail with a friend, silence doesn't feel like an interruption. It feels natural to let our conversation fall apart from time to time so that we can share a deeper experience beyond words — the sounds, colors, and smells of the natural world around us. In our speedy modern society, we don't like silence. We're more like someone hiking in the woods while talking nonstop on a cell phone. We seem to have an unspoken agreement to avoid silence and stay distracted. When mindlessness rules, silence feels out of place, like the dead air on the radio or TV. We forget what we are missing.
"I remember a time in college when even a short gap of silence felt uncomfortable. But years later I spent nine years at Gampo Abbey, a Buddhist monastery, where much of our time was spent in silence. It wasn't a dead kind of silence. It was more like the listening space you feel on a quiet beach as you look out to sea, when you feel like the unseen energies of the place completely permeate your whole being.
"To cultivate silence within our conversations, the spiritual director of the abbey, Pema Chodron, teaches 'the pause practice' by asking someone to ring a bell periodically to interrupt whatever is going on at the moment. At the sound of the bell we drop what we're saying and pause for the length of three cycles of breathing. Then we resume as if nothing unusual had occurred. During the gap we have an opportunity to feel the contrast that openness brings, and sometimes this is a bit like feeling suspended in midair.
"The pause practice gives us a quick exit from the momentum of conversations so that we can remember the power of silence to reconnect us with the present moment. One way to adapt this practice is to use the ring of a cell phone or a red traffic light as a reminder to pause for a moment, take a deep breath, let your thoughts and words fall apart, and just listen."
Susan Gillis Chapman on how silence fine-tunes our ability to really listen.
The Five Love Languages
"1. To remind yourself that 'Words of Affirmation' is your spouse's primary love language, print the following on a 3x5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily:
Words are important!
Words are important!
Words are important!
"2. For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day. At the end of the week, sit down with your spouse and review your record.
"On Monday, I said:
'You did a great job on this meal.'
'You really look nice in that outfit.'
'I really appreciate your picking up the laundry.'
"On Tuesday, I said:
etc.
"You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking words of affirmation.
"3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for one month. If 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away,' maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. (You may want to record these compliments also, so you will not duplicate the statements.)
"4. As you read the newspaper, magazines, and books, or watch TV or listen to radio, look for words of affirmation which people use. Observe people in conversation. Write those affirming statements in a notebook. (If they are cartoons, clip and paste them in your notebook.) Read through these periodically and select those you could use with your spouse. When you use one, note the date on which you used it. Your notebook may become your love book. Remember, words are important!
"5. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or with fanfare! (Chances are, when he dies, you will find your love letter tucked away in some special place.) Words are important!
"6. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his parents or friends. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
"7. Look for your spouse's strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are she will work hard to live up to her reputation.
"8. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse's back and in her presence.
"9. Write a poem describing how you feel about your spouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card that expresses how you feel. Underline special words and add a few of your own at the end.
"10. If you find speaking 'Words of Affirmation' is difficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cue card if you must, and remember, words are important."
Gary Chapman's exercise for spousal kindness.
A New Habit
"If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Don't complain."
— Maya Angelou
In your hands you hold the secret to transforming your life. Big words? Yes, but I've seen it work for many, many people. I've read their e-mails and letters and taken their phone calls. People have used the simple concept of putting a purple silicone bracelet on their wrist and then switching it from wrist to wrist until they have managed to go 21 consecutive days without complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. In so doing, they have formed a new habit. By becoming conscious of and thereby, changing their words, they have changed their thoughts and begun to create their lives by design. People just like you have shared stories with me of chronic pain relieved, relationships healed, careers improved, and having become an overall happier person.
One man I know suffered from chronic headaches. Every night he would arrive home from work and tell his wife how much his head had hurt that day. Realizing that telling his wife about his headaches did nothing to lessen their occurrence or severity, he decided to stop talking about them as a part of becoming complaint free.
The man's name is Tom Alyea. He no longer has these headaches and he's now the senior coordinator of our Complaint Free World program, one of several dozens of volunteers who make this all happen.
Less pain, better health, satisfying relationships, a better job, being more serene and joyous . . . Sound good? It's not only possible, it's probable. Consciously striving to reformat your mental hard drive is not easy, but you can start now and in a short period of time — time that will pass anyway — you can have the life you've always dreamed of having.
You can order a purple, Complaint Free bracelet by visiting our Web site: www.AComplaintFreeWorld.org. We send the bracelets out free (the program is supported entirely by donations and you can donate if you choose). Here is how to use the bracelet:
• Begin to wear the bracelet, on either wrist.
• When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, move the bracelet to the other arm and begin again.
• If you hear someone else wearing a bracelet complain, it's OK to point out their need to switch the bracelet to the other arm; BUT if you're going to do this, you must move your bracelet first! Because you're complaining about their complaining.
• Stay with it. It may take many months to reach 21 consecutive days. The average is 4 to 8 months.
And relax. We're only talking about complaints, criticism, and gossip that is spoken. If it comes out of your mouth, it counts, so start over. If you think it, it's free. But you'll find out that even complaining thoughts will disappear as you move through this process.
Start right now. You don't have to wait for your purple bracelet to arrive to get started. Slip a rubber band on your wrist; put a coin or small stone in your pocket; move a paperweight to one side of your desk or find your own distinctive way of self-monitoring now. Do it now. Then, when you catch yourself complaining, criticizing, or gossiping, move the item. Move the rubber band to the other wrist, switch the coin to another pocket, or move the paperweight to the other side of the desk. It's important that you move the item. It's that act of moving it that plows furrows deeply into your consciousness, making you aware of your behavior. You must move it, every time.
Did you catch the very important word in the last paragraph? I said WHEN you catch yourself complaining, not IF. Complaining is epidemic in our world, so don't be surprised when you find out that you, too, gripe a lot more than you thought.
A campaign for a complaint-free world that mushroomed into an international phenomenon of being more positive.