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A Complaint Free World
"If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Don't complain.
— Maya Angelou
"In your hands you hold the secret to transforming your life. Big words? Yes, but I've seen it work for many, many people. I've read their e-mails and letters and taken their phone calls. People have used the simple concept of putting a purple silicone bracelet on their wrist and then switching it from wrist to wrist until they have managed to go 21 consecutive days without complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. In so doing, they have formed a new habit. By becoming conscious of and thereby, changing their words, they have changed their thoughts and begun to create their lives by design. People just like you have shared stories with me of chronic pain relieved, relationships healed, careers improved, and having become an overall happier person.
"One man I know suffered from chronic headaches. Every night he would arrive home from work and tell his wife how much his head had hurt that day. Realizing that telling his wife about his headaches did nothing to lessen their occurrence or severity, he decided to stop talking about them as a part of becoming complaint free.
"The man's name is Tom Alyea. He no longer has these headaches and he's now the senior coordinator of our Complaint Free World program, one of several dozens of volunteers who make this all happen.
Less pain, better health, satisfying relationships, a better job, being more serene and joyous . . . Sound good? It's not only possible, it's probable. Consciously striving to reformat your mental hard drive is not easy, but you can start now and in a short period of time — time that will pass anyway — you can have the life you've always dreamed of having.
You can order a purple, Complaint Free bracelet by visiting our Web site: www.AComplaintFreeWorld.org. We send the bracelets out free (the program is supported entirely by donations and you can donate if you choose). Here is how to use the bracelet:
• Begin to wear the bracelet, on either wrist.
• When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, move the bracelet to the other arm and begin again.
• If you hear someone else wearing a bracelet complain, it's OK to point out their need to switch the bracelet to the other arm; BUT if you're going to do this, you must move your bracelet first! Because you're complaining about their complaining.
• Stay with it. It may take many months to reach 21 consecutive days. The average is 4 to 8 months.
"And relax. We're only talking about complaints, criticism, and gossip that is spoken. If it comes out of your mouth, it counts, so start over. If you think it, it's free. But you'll find out that even complaining thoughts will disappear as you move through this process.
"Start right now. You don't have to wait for your purple bracelet to arrive to get started. Slip a rubber band on your wrist; put a coin or small stone in your pocket; move a paperweight to one side of your desk or find your own distinctive way of self-monitoring now. Do it now. Then, when you catch yourself complaining, criticizing, or gossiping, move the item. Move the rubber band to the other wrist, switch the coin to another pocket, or move the paperweight to the other side of the desk. It's important that you move the item. It's that act of moving it that plows furrows deeply into your consciousness, making you aware of your behavior. You must move it, every time.
"Did you catch the very important word in the last paragraph? I said WHEN you catch yourself complaining, not IF. Complaining is epidemic in our world, so don't be surprised when you find out that you, too, gripe a lot more than you thought."
Will Bowen explaining how to have a complaint-free life and reformat your mind and be grateful.
The Art of Communicating
Beginning Anew
"When a difficulty arises in our relationships and one of us feels resentment or hurt, a good practice to try is called 'beginning anew.' To begin anew is to look deeply and honestly at ourselves — our past actions, speech, and thoughts — and to create a fresh beginning within ourselves and in our relationships with others.
"Beginning anew helps us develop our kind speech and compassionate listening because it is a practice of recognition and appreciation of the positive elements of another person. Recognizing others' positive traits allows us to also see our own good qualities. Along with these good traits, we each have areas of weakness, such as talking out of our anger or being caught in our misperceptions. As in a garden, when we 'water the flowers' of loving kindness and compassion in each other, we also take energy away from the weeds of anger, jealousy, and misperception.
"We can practice beginning anew every day by expressing our appreciation to the people we care about and apologizing right away when we do or say something that hurts them. We can also politely let others know when we have been hurt.
"A more formal beginning anew can be done weekly in families and in work situations. It is a three-part process: watering flowers, expressing regrets, and expressing hurts and difficulties. This practice can prevent feelings of hurt from building up over weeks and helps make the situation safe for everyone in the workplace or family.
"Flower watering is the first part of the practice. Flower watering is simply showing appreciation for the others in your family or work community. People do it one at a time, waiting until they feel moved to speak. The others let them speak without response. It is helpful for people to hold a vase of flowers or some object in front of them as they speak, so that their words reflect the freshness and beauty of the flowers. During flower watering, the speaker acknowledges the wholesome, wonderful qualities of the others. It is not flattery; we need to speak the truth. Everyone has strong points that can be seen with awareness. No one can interrupt the person holding the flowers. Each person is allowed as much time as needed, and everyone else practices deep listening. When one person has finished speaking, he or she stands up and slowly returns the vase to the center of the room.
"We should not underestimate the first step of flower watering. When we sincerely recognize the beautiful qualities of other people, it is very difficult to hold on to our feelings of anger and resentment. We naturally soften, and our perspective becomes wider and more inclusive of the whole reality.
"In the second part of the practice, participants express regret for anything they have done to hurt others. It does not take more than one thoughtless phrase to hurt someone. Sometimes we hold on to some small resentment or regret, and it grows because we don't have the time to make it right. The practice of beginning anew is an opportunity for us to recall some regret from earlier in the week and undo it.
"In the third part of the ceremony, we express ways in which others have hurt us. Loving speech is crucial. We want to heal our families and work communities, not harm them. We speak frankly, but we don't want to be destructive. When we sit among people who are all practicing deep listening, our speech becomes more beautiful and more constructive. We never blame or argue.
"In this final part of the practice, compassionate listening is crucial. We listen to another's hurts and difficulties with the willingness to relieve the suffering of the other person, not to judge or argue. We listen with all our attention. Even if we hear something that is not true, we continue to listen deeply so the other person can express his or her pain and release the tensions within. If we reply or correct that person, the practice will not bear fruit. We just listen. If we need to tell others that their perception was not correct, we can do that a few days later, privately and calmly. Then, at the next beginning anew practice, they may rectify the error themselves, and we will not have to say anything. We can end the practice with a moment of silence.
"Just practicing the first part of beginning anew — flower watering — can increase the happiness and communication in your family or your workplace. You don't need to do all three parts each time. Especially when the practice is new to you, it will work to spend most of your time on flower watering. Then slowly over time, as trust is built, you can add the second and third parts. Even then, don't skip over the first. Expressing appreciation is one of the greatest ways of building strong and caring relationships."
Thich Nhat Hanh on ways to begin anew in our relationships with others.
How to Train a Wild Elephant and Other Adventures in Mindfulness
Say Yes
"The Exercise: In this practice we say yes to everyone and everything that happens. When you notice the impulse to disagree, consider whether it is really necessary. Could you just nod, or even be silent but pleasant? Whenever it is not dangerous to you or others, agree with others and with what is happening in your life.
Reminding Yourself
"Put stickers with the word 'Yes' in spots where you'll notice them in your home and workplace. Write 'Yes' on the back of your hand so you see it frequently.
Discoveries
"This task helps us see how often we take a stance that is negative or oppositional. If we are able to watch our mind when someone is talking to us, particularly if they are asking us to do something, we can see our thoughts forming defenses and counterarguments. Can we resist the desire to disagree verbally when the issue is not critical? Can we watch our mental and physical attitude to things that arise in a typical day? Is our automatic thought, 'Oh no'?
"Our habitual oppositional stance can take the form of thoughts ('I don't agree with what he's saying'), body language (tensing muscles, arms crossed), speech ('That's a stupid idea'), or action (shaking the head, rolling the eyes, ignoring someone who's talking).
"People in certain professions report that they have difficulty with this task. Lawyers, for example, are trained to detect flaws in a contract or faults in what a witness or another lawyer is saying. Academics are trained to criticize one another's theories and research. Success at work may depend on 'attack mind,' but when you spend an entire day cultivating this attitude, it can be difficult to turn it off when you arrive home.
"While doing this task, one person noted that an external 'yes' might not match the real attitude of 'no' inside, and that the task helped him detect a hidden constricted state of mind. Another man found that he usually responds to requests by weighing other considerations — namely, all the other things he has to do. He found it freeing to just say yes and thus let go of all the internal effort involved in making a decision. It felt generous. Another person said that saying yes created the experience of ease, of going with the flow of people who came into her office rather than resisting it. This task may be modified according to circumstances. You can hold an inward 'yes' to your child's wish to jump on furniture, but redirect their energy to the playground instead.
Deeper Lessons
"The Buddhist tradition describes three poisons of the mind — greed, aversion, and ignorance. We developed this task for Zen students who seem particularly afflicted by aversion, those who habitually resist anything asked of them and what comes forward in life. Their initial and unconscious response to anything asked of them is 'no,' expressed either in body language or out loud. Sometimes the no is expressed as 'yes, but . . . ,' and sometimes it is cloaked in reasonable language, but it is still a consistent and persistent pattern of opposition.
"People who are stuck in aversion often make major life decisions based not upon moving toward a positive goal but rather upon moving away from something they perceive to be negative. They are reactive rather than proactive. 'My parents didn't pay their bills on time and our electricity got turned off. I'm going to become an accountant,' instead of 'I want to become an accountant because I love numbers.'
"When monks enter training at Japanese Soto Zen monasteries, they are told that the only acceptable response to anything they are asked to do in the first year of training is, 'Hai! (Yes!).' This is powerful training. It cuts through layers of apparent maturity, down to the defiant two-year-old and/or teenager within.
"Not expressing opposition helps us to let go of self-centered views and see that our personal opinion is actually not so important after all. It's surprising how often our disagreement with another person is actually unimportant and only serves to increase our distress and the suffering of those around us.
"Saying yes can be energizing, since habitual resistance is a persistent drain on our life energy.
"Final Words: Cultivate an internal attitude of 'yes' to life and all it brings you. It will save you lots of energy."
Jan Chozen Bays on cultivating an internal attitude of yes.
Thomas Merton in The Thomas Merton Encyclopedia
God must be allowed the right to speak unpredictably.
God must be allowed
Imam al-Bukhari, Moral Teachings of Islam
Jabir told how a foul-smelling wind came up, and the Prophet (Peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) said: "Some of the hypocrites were speaking ill of believers behind their backs, and that is why this wind was sent."
Jabir told how a foul-smelling wind came up
George Fox in Plain Living
Dispatch business quickly,
And keep out of long debates and heats . . .
be swift to hear
and slow to speak,
and let it be in the grace,
which seasons all words.
Dispatch business quickly
If You’re Tempted to Gossip or Snark, T.H.I.N.K. First
T – is it True?
H – is it Helpful?
I – is it Inspiring?
N – is it Necessary?
K – is it Kind?
-- Poster in Many School Classrooms (Originator Unknown)
Hopefully, next time we’re tempted to unload on someone, even if everyone else is, we choose to T.H.I.N.K. before we speak (as suggested above) and ask ourselves these questions:
Could I have done any better?
Is there context I’m not taking into account?
Would I say this to this person’s face or to someone who cares about them? (Is this a form of “anonymous” bullying, and I’m doing it because there’s no risk?)
Will this undo what happened? (If not, it serves no good purpose.)
Am I trying to make myself feel tall by making this person small? (Am I putting this person down so I can be “on top” and feel superior?)
Have I ever made a mistake I regret? (if so, could I give this person some grace and choose to commiserate with them instead of have contempt for them?)
The world doesn’t need more snark – it needs more compassion.
Snark can become a habit, a bad habit. The good news is, compassion can also become a habit. May these tips help you hold others accountable if they make a false accusation about you, and may they help you hold yourself accountable for not doing this to others.
Questions to ask yourself before you speak ill of someone.
His Holiness The Dalai Lama, The Path to Tranquility
I myself still occasionally become irritated and angry and use harsh words toward others. Then, a few moments later when the anger has subsided, I feel embarrassed; the negative words are already spoken, and there is no way to take them back.
Although the words have been uttered and the sound of the voice has ceased to exist, their impact still lives on. Hence, the only thing I can do is to go to each person and apologize, isn't that right?
The impact of our words lives on
William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude
If you think twice before you speak once, you will speak twice as well.
If you think twice before you speak once
Desert Fathers , The Wisdom of the Desert
Abbot Hor said to his disciple: Take care that you never bring into this cell the words of another.
Never bring in the words of another