"There's another question I have, though, and it takes me in a somewhat different direction. Am I really angry because Christianity puts insufferable restraints on my true self, or because I am denying that Christianity is an integral part of my true self? In other words, am I seething because of repression or because of cowardice? For which reason am I most often angry: the stifling of my natural self, or the disguising of my supernatural self? It seems like a somewhat abstract question, but it could easily be made more concrete through an experiment.
"Take a week, I tell myself, and be as uninhibited, as shamelessly abrasive as you dare to be within the law. Don't fake, but don't fret either. Forget the kingdom of God. Most of all, forget that other people have feelings. Act on your feelings. Be a savage. Then take another week, and consciously attempt to be as religious as you know how to be. Show the same indifference for other people's secular prejudices as you showed for their feelings the week before. Don't be pious, but live in the gospel in as bold a way as your imagination allows. Be a mensch. Be a meshuggener even. (Too bad the early church fathers had to rely on Greek; they'd have done better with Yiddish.) At the end of those two weeks, ask yourself, Which approach to life made me the most angry? Which gave me the greater peace within myself?
"I have yet to try the experiment. To be honest, I suspect I already know the outcome. Both approaches would make me less angry than I am now. Both would give me more peace. And perhaps I would find more common ground between the two than I imagine. Perhaps the best instruction I can give to myself right now is not 'Be less angry' but 'Be more deliberate.' Be more awake."
