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How Isn't It Going?
“I try time and again to find the right words, the right tone. I start to write or speak of what is evident — 'It's horrible!' — and I see very quickly that my language is leading me down the wrong path and is about to strangle me. It doesn’t know where to go next. Because the conclusion of my interlocutor is more precise and more accusing. What is expected of me, when I am summoned to speak, is never simply to voice my emotion or my pain, but always for me to launch an appeal. I am summoned in order in turn to summon a third party to act: the Jews or the Arabs, the UN, the World, God, the Pope, the Red Cross. Without simultaneously leveling an accusation and call to action, to simply speak the horror is never enough.”
Not knowing what to say.
Pico Iyer, Sun After Dark
Though the Dalai Lama is increasingly famous as a speaker, his real gift, you see as soon as you begin talking to him, is for listening. . . . The Dalai Lama's maxims are collected and packaged now as books to carry in your handbag, as calendar items and as advertising slogans, but the heart of the man exists, I think, in silence.
The heart of the Dalai Lama exists in silence
Donna Schaper, Sacred Speech
A singular characteristic of sacred speech is its openness. It is humble. It is less interested in being right than in being linked, less interested in self-protection than in self-expression, less interested in cages and doors than in decks and windows. Sacred speech wants clarity and it wants justice. Sacred speech loves a good, honest boundary. But is also wants to maximize love and minimize fear. Sacred speech understands and acknowledges that, in the world that God has made, we need not fear. We may require many fewer locks, keys, borders, and boundaries than we think we do.
In the world that God has made we need not fear
Matthew Flickstein, Swallowing the River Ganges
The Buddha speaks of four categories of communication and our responsibility regarding each category: saying something that is untrue and displeasing to hear (such as false accusations) should never be done; voicing something that is untrue but pleasing to hear (such as flattery) should also be withheld; saying something that is true but displeasing to hear (such as constructive criticism) should only be spoken when the person is receptive to what is being said; and finally, communicating something that is true and pleasing to hear (such as positive feedback) should also be withheld until the timing is suitable. The Buddha's words point out that for communication to have integrity and to be effective, we need to consider both the content and timing of that communication.
Four categories of communication
Pirke Avot
"Insulting a person in front of others is a typical tactic of bullies at school, boys and girls alike. Public insults have also become routine between politicians opposing one another in elections. This is sometimes called 'smash mouth' politics. In addition, the anonymity of the Internet has loosened restraints, and insults regularly fly as they would not in face-to-face interaction. All of this has fostered a culture where anger causes hurt and hurt causes anger in a vicious cycle. We can uplift our culture if we can break this cycle. Fortunately, in the U.S., there is now a concerted effort to counteract bullying among children and teens. But there is not yet a campaign to reduce such behavior among adults, as it exists in political debate, or on the Internet."
William Berkson on breaking the cycle of insulting and bullying.
Friendship Teaches Us about Being Human
The soul of friendship is located in honesty, respect, sharing, and loyalty. The making and the keeping of friends over the long haul of a lifetime is a spiritual practice requiring large reserves of diligence, patience, and nurturing. This life-enriching relationship, according to Eugene Kennedy, "is a process in which the ore of our humanity is sifted and refined so that the strengths and the weaknesses may be gradually neutralized."
This process is played out beautifully in The King's Speech, one of the Most Spiritually Literate Films of 2010. We see a relationship develop between a very temperamental Prince Albert, in line to be the King of England, and Lionel Logue, an unorthodox Australian speech therapist who takes on the challenge of helping him to stop stuttering. It is a sheer delight watching these two very different and strong-willed men create a special friendship. Lionel helps Prince Albert to claim his own voice and that is a priceless gift which only a true friend can give.
To enhance your experience and appreciation of the theme of friendship in The King's Speech, we have collected some resources: three excerpts, a spiritual practice, and a song playlist. In her book Among Friends, Letty Cottin Pogrebin writes: "From the rocking horse to the rocking chair, friendship keeps teaching us about being human."
In On Being a Friend, Eugene Kennedy, a professor of psychology at Loyola University, presents a rounded overview of this important relationship. Here's an excerpt.
In Lying with the Heavenly Woman, psychologist Robert A. Johnson shares the understanding behind the Chinese proverb that the fifth cup of tea between friends is the best. Here's an excerpt.
In The Friendship of Women, Sister Joan Chittister explores the meaning of nurturing in friendship. Here's an excerpt.
Another film about the friendship between two men is Reign Over Me.
Buddhist teacher Ayya Khema has adapted the traditional lovingkindness meditation to include blessings for friends. It ends with "May all beings be friends with each other." Try this spiritual practice.
Inspired by the friendship in the movie The King's speech, a collection on the spiritual practice of friendship.
Dwight Currie in How We Behave at the Feast: Reflections on Living in an Age of Plenty
The next time you find yourself dining on someone's reputation, snacking on someone's feelings, or enjoying a steady diet of nothing except stories about yourself, remember you are talking with your mouth full.
Stop, close your mouth, and listen. It's the other person's turn.
The next time you find yourself dining
Frederick Douglass
"When Frederick Douglass died, his contemporaries found many reasons to celebrate his life. Across the nation, eulogies and obituaries fondly remembered Douglass not simply as an orator, activist, and editor but also as a prophet. It was Douglass's prophetic zeal that lent power to his voice; it was his dedication to using his voice for freedom's sake that lent greatness to his life. Well-spoken and well-written words enraptured Douglass. He loved their sound and force. Near the end of his life, in an August 1891 address, Douglass marveled, 'Great is the miracle of human speech – by it nations are enlightened and reformed; by it the cause of justice and liberty is defended, by it evils are exposed, ignorance dispelled, the path of duty made plain, and by it those that live today are put into the possession of the wisdom of ages gone by.' There, Douglass well described how he long endeavored to use the miracle of his own prophetic voice. For seventy-seven years, Douglass saw how easily America could surrender itself to bigotry and bondage, injustice and inequality. He responded by trying to speak words of wisdom and truth to the nation. In doing so, from his first speeches in Massachusetts in the early 1840s to his final public appearances in 1895, Douglass's faith shaped his voice and vision of the world. His prophetic Christianity supplied him with so many of his deepest convictions – about who God was, what God was doing in the world, and the true meaning of grand words like liberty, justice, and equality. Douglass's religious convictions were not tightly guarded private matters. Instead, they gave direction and meaning to his public life as an abolitionist and civil rights leader.
"Douglass's powerful prophetic words to America, especially its Christians, might sometimes sound hopelessly hostile, as if fueled by nothing more than disparaging hate. But hope, not hate, fueled Douglass – not anger alone but also love. He did not lose faith in the true Christianity of Christ and the justice of the God of the oppressed. Less than a decade removed from the lash of Christian masters like Thomas Auld, Douglass still insisted, 'I love the religion of our blessed Saviour. . . . I love that religion that is based upon the glorious principle, of love to God and love to man.' Nor did Douglass lose faith in America's highest moral and political ideals. In the dark wake of the Supreme Court's Dred Scott decision in 1857, Douglass still affirmed that the Constitution and Declaration of Independence together provided a glorious 'platform broad enough, and strong enough, to support the most comprehensive plans for freedom.' "
A review of Frederick Douglass's legacy as a prophetic voice.
A Slap in the Face
"Playful teasing is one important way in which social bonds are strengthened. You don't, if you have any sense, tease strangers on the bus, since they will find your behavior insulting. Nor do you tease people you have just met. But if you know someone and want your relationship with that person to be even closer, teasing is one way to achieve your goal. Teasing implies a level of acceptance and even intimacy. Indeed, if no one ever teases you, it could well be because you don't have any close friends.
"Men in particular are likely to be more comfortable with affectionate teasing than they are with outright declarations of affection. They therefore enter into the sort of joking relationships I have described. Strangers who watch 'joking friends' interact with each other might mistakenly think they are bitter enemies, when in fact the insults and counterinsults being unleashed are the sign of a deep and abiding friendship.
"Psychologists have documented the paradoxical nature of teasing: it can simultaneously criticize and compliment someone, and it can express affection for him by attempting to humiliate him. Teasing is a form of permitted disrespect. By teasing someone, we display, in a socially acceptable manner, our affection toward the target of our teasing. And if we tease someone in public, we make it clear to all those who witness the tease that we have a close relationship with the target of our teasing. Indeed, these witnesses might find themselves wishing that they knew the target well enough to tease him.
"Think about what happens when you join a group. At first, you might find that group members, who tease each other relentlessly, treat you with respect and as a result are a bit standoffish. You realize, though, that playful teasing is a sign of social acceptance and therefore that being teased by group members is a good thing, if your goal is to become an accepted member of the group. You might therefore long to be teased by other members, and you might even go out of your way to become the target of their playful teasing. As the other group members get to know you, you might be subjected to the occasional friendly gibe. Then, if you are lucky, the day finally arrives when the group confers an affectionate nickname on you or makes you the butt of a joke. At this point, you can breathe a sigh of relief: the fact that the group abuses you means that they have embraced you as one of their own."
William B. Irvine on why teasing is a form of permitted respect.
Sacred Speech
Many Buddhists spend a lot of time practicing right speech. They are concerned about the power of the tongue to hurt yet are convinced of its potential to heal. The Desert Fathers and the Hasidic rebbes of early Christianity and Judaism also have much to say about the importance of speech practices. Donna Schaper, a minister of the United Church of Christ and author of Sabbath Sense and other books, explores the nature of what she calls "sacred speech." This holy gift is one we must nurture by practice and intention:
"A singular characteristic of sacred speech is its openness. It is humble. It is less interested in being right than in being linked, less interested in self-protection than in self-expression, less interested in cages and doors than decks and windows. Sacred speech wants clarity and it wants justice. Sacred speech loves a good, honest boundary. But it also wants to maximize love and minimize fear."
Schaper has years of parish experience and many colorful and entertaining stories about the challenges clergy face in their attempts at speech that carries Spirit (a term for God that the author uses because of its inclusivity).
Sacred speech builds bridges in this time of multifaith exploration. It opens doors and takes risks because it is not afraid of the unknown or the "other." Schaper salutes humility as a lubricant that smoothes the way for speech that carries Spirit. There are chapters on forgiving, praising, praying, judging, lamenting, loving, moving beyond the politically correct, savoring the sacredness in ordinary speech, and appreciating silence. In each of these, we are called reach out to each other through our words in order to maximize love and minimize fear. The miracle of meeting can even go deeper under the auspices of Spirit.
One of the thorniest areas of sacred speech is judging. We live in an adversarial society that puts a high premium on this social skill; conflict is considered natural and even necessary in both the private and public arenas of life. We are always judging this as good or worthy and that as bad and despicable. And, of course, most of us are better at dishing out criticism than in receiving it. Schaper notes how the negative always seems to get preference, recalling how she has sulked over the one negative remark after a sermon rather than relish the slew of positive ones. In a humorous comment, she suggests that clergy wear "bulletproof vestments" to protect themselves from constant criticism.
Yet there are certain times when it behooves us to learn from the judgments that come our way. Equally important is to take up the prophetic mantle now and then and let it rip! Schaper notes: "Judgment can be a sacred act. It can say no at the right time on behalf of loving affirmation of larger principles." Discernment, then, is an essential tool for those who want to engage in sacred speech. Schaper tutors us in this art and makes it clear how speaking with Spirit grows naturally out of a mature faith that has moved beyond either/or rigors.
Tutors us in this art that demands discernment, connection, openness, and the powerful energies of love.