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Are You Acting Out Your Emotions or Acting On Your Emotions?
A – Assess what happened. Ask yourself, Why am I upset? Pinpoint the precise cause so you understand what’s making you feel this way…. State the facts as objectively as possible so you’re articulating the catalyzing event(s).
N – Nix extreme words…. Extreme words produce extreme emotions. “All or nothing” words escalate anger.
G – Give a specific example. The more precise you are, the more productive you’ll be. Instead of “You never think of anyone but yourself,” identify the particular action you perceive was inappropriate. “You took the car today without asking if I needed it, and I was left stranded.”
E – Express the desired behavior instead of criticizing the dreaded behavior. Complaining about what they did won’t undo it. It’s more effective to clarify what you want from now on. Perhaps you can say, “From now on, if you need the car, please ask what my plans are so we can coordinate things.” This step helps you bypass any ego needs to go into how inconvenienced you were and how inconsiderate they were.
R – Review to make sure the point got through. Trying to have the last word – “This better not happen again” – creates more conflict, as it’s a battle for control. Ask this person to clarify how they’ll do things differently in the future so there is a verbal commitment to changed behavior.
Five steps for thinking before speaking.
Robert Benson, Between the Dreaming and the Coming True
We love to read and tell the stories of the way that God spoke to Abraham, Moses, Samuel, David, Jonah, and the rest of them. However, we do not often remind ourselves that before they were heroes of the faith, they were wanderers and wastrels, shepherds and stutterers, altar boys and mama's boys, small-time business folks and clumsy parents. Folks like us, pretty much. The difference is that they thought they heard the Voice and were foolish enough to say so and to act upon what they thought they heard.
We, however, claim that God speaks to us and then wait patiently in our pew for someone with a degree and a robe and a hospital parking pass to tell us what the Voice might be whispering to us deep inside. We pray for guidance and then worry about whether the voice we hear within is the Voice. We quote Saint Paul's admonition to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling, and then tremble at the thought of acting on the counsel given to us in our hearts in the night.
Perhaps we are afraid that God does not regard us highly enough to speak to us anymore — a rather funny position to take for those who claim to be the children of God. Perhaps we are afraid that God no longer speaks to anyone much anymore or that we can no longer recognize the Voice. It could be that we are afraid that God does still speak and that we will hear and that the God of publicans and sinners and the scared and scurrilous will want to make something new in us as well.
I am convinced that the Voice that whispered us into being still whispers within us and all creation. I am dead certain of it sometimes, terrified of it at other times, longing for it at all times. The silence that so often seems to overcome me is more likely a matter of my not trusting my own ears than it is a matter of the Voice having gone suddenly, inexplicably silent.
We are afraid that God does still speak
Speaking and Listening
In Gwen Thompson’s poem about living a virtuous life, she wrote: "Soft of eye and light of touch; speak little, listen much." Many people have a natural inclination to talk much more than listen. The pairing of the words in this couplet paint a picture of a person who acts with true compassion: the eyes are "soft"; that is, looking into another person’s eyes with kindness. One of the most important skills a good listener has is the ability to make appropriate eye contact. A "light touch" is a metaphor for gentle words, calling to mind the image of laying a friendly and comforting hand on somebody as they speak. Bring this imagery to mind whenever somebody is angry or upset when speaking to you. Try to take the form of the good listener. Wait and allow the person to vent emotions, even if what the person says does not align with the facts as you know them. After venting, the person may be more ready to apologize or listen to reason than if you had interrupted, fired back immediately, or "corrected" their recollection of events.
Good listening can also mean paraphrasing or asking important questions when appropriate. If a person is telling you a story, you might find yourself internally trying to relate the story to another story that you can tell. Instead, ask questions that show interest and curiosity. Find something interesting about what the person is saying and ask further questions about it. You’ll help the person feel good about themselves and good about you.
Advice and an image for speaking and listening with soft eyes and light touch.
The Buddha , Buddhist Wisdom: Daily Reflections
Be gentle and patient. Gather together with other peaceful people and speak gently of spiritual subjects. This is a true blessing.
Speak gently of spiritual subjects
C. W. McPherson, Keeping Silence
Practically everyone who has practiced silence finds that it improves concentration. . . .
Physiologically, deliberate silence calms the body. . . .
Psychologically, its benefit lies in the balance it offers. . . .
Spiritually, it puts us in touch with reality. It makes us far more aware of ourselves, both of our souls, and our bodies. Silence returns us to the present moment, that moment we are always trying to escape. Silence is also the other — often neglected — half of prayer. Prayer is a two-way conversation, so it must involve listening to God. And in order to listen, we must be silent. . . .
The regular and deliberate practice of silence also teaches us a great deal about the power and importance of words. . . . Keeping silence also helps us develop empathy.
Silence has many benefits
William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude
Just and noble minds rejoice in others' successes and help add to their praise.
Rejoice in others' successes
William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude
Nothing better shows the folly — and the sneaky deceitfulness — of our hearts, than our reducing the merit and reputation of others.
Reducing the reputation of others
Brian L., Meeting Wisdom
Lord, please help me to keep my mouth shut.
Please help me to keep my mouth shut
Khandro Rinpoche, This Precious Life
The four unvirtuous actions of speech: lying, slander, harsh speech, and idle chatter.
The four unvirtuous actions of speech
Ken Keyes, Jr., The Anger Diet
You add as much strife to the world when you take offense, as when you give it.
You add as much strife when you take offense