"Our need to cram the greatest number of activities, whether they are truly worth doing or not, into the least amount of time has shifted the civility of our social interactions a considerable distance along the spectrum from courtesy toward rudeness. Even though the courteous response often takes no more time, we become so focused on our self-appointed goals, of getting all our errands done, that we lose our ability to relate to others, even those others we see regularly.
"If we want to be peaceful ourselves and by our actions encourage peaceful responses in others, we need to take a serious look at societal courtesy and how we can help strengthen it. Courtesy is thinking of others — what they need and want, how to make them feel better about themselves and how to help lift any dark moods. We do this by taking the time to listen carefully both to what they are saying and, to the best of our ability, what they are not saying. We can often ease awkward situations by paying this kind of attention and by careful listening.
"In our present society, many kinds of social comfort and courtesy have fallen by the wayside; we are all the poorer for it. Lest this chapter sound like I have become stuck in the 1950s or '60s, I want to reassure readers that I wouldn't want to return to those days, or to turn away from the technology, medical breakthroughs, and improvement in the status of women and minorities that we enjoy today. I call for a thoughtful consideration of old-fashioned courtesy, for the purpose of bringing it forward into the twenty-first century to create and maintain a peaceful and supportive social milieu. My describing boorish behavior is not to judge, but to outline clearly what we have lost so it can be restored.
"I can remember a time, and I am not yet eligible for senior discounts, when families routinely ate together and, before beginning, returned thanks in some fashion for the food on the table. No one began eating until all were served. Dishes that were out of reach were requested by asking, 'Will you please pass the ______?' Conversational topics that were unpleasant were avoided or postponed, and people did not talk with a mouthful of food or interrupt anyone else. Whoever had cooked the food was complimented on it. No phone calls from solicitors intruded, nor would anyone have answered a pager or taken a personal call at the table had that technology existed. Anyone needing to leave the table early was expected to ask, 'Will you excuse me?' They would usually state the reason, rise and push their chair back up to the table. Have you eaten a family dinner like this any time in the last twenty years? If so, you are in the minority.
"I recall an instance a few years ago when my husband and I invited two friends to dinner at our home. During the meal, one friend's cell phone rang; he answered it and proceeded to talk to the caller without excusing himself or even getting up from the table. He took out a small notebook and started making notes at the table! After a while, he did get up and walk away from the table, but continued the call to the end without suggesting to the caller that it was an inappropriate time and offering to call back. When he returned to the table, he made no comment or excuse, as though his behavior was completely acceptable.
"Except in an emergency, does anyone really need to take calls during a meal? A meal lasts probably a half-hour, perhaps an hour with a group in a restaurant, and preserving that time together uninterrupted can greatly increase our satisfaction and feelings of peace and harmony. Try it as an experiment with your friends or family. Notice how you feel when everyone's attention remains on each other throughout the meal, and at some other time have a meal with everyone coming and going at different times, taking calls, and so forth. Which do you prefer?"
