"Regardless of where you work, you push a lot of buttons. If you're an office worker in a high-rise, you push buttons in the elevator and on your computer keyboard. If you work in a cafe, you push buttons on the cash register, espresso machine, and microwave. If you deliver packages, you push buttons to ring bells and to get signatures on the computerized tablet. You might not even be aware of the degree to which you push buttons all day.
"In addition to these physical buttons, we also 'push buttons' in our coworkers, colleagues, clients, bosses, patients, and customers. Unlike the deliberate finger poking we do to type a phone number, we're often unaware of the degree to which our actions and speech affect those around us. However, it's simply inevitable that as we relate to people around us, they respond and react, just as we do when they talk to us.
"While something we do or say might initially prompt another person's reaction, it has to come through the filter of that person's perceptions, thoughts, emotional states, culture, relationships with others, and entire life history up to that particular moment. That's quite an amazing series of things to consider! Your seemingly benign request for a pen might be directed at a coworker who's having a miserable day and who has never seen his or her loaned-out pens again, which could explain the person's reactive sneer and eye roll. Now, you might be thinking, 'So what? It's that person's problem.' Indeed, it is the other person's problem — but it becomes your problem when you're dependent on that person's help to write something down. And it's even more of a problem for you when you allow your own buttons to get pushed by interpreting the other person's response as disrespectful, dismissive, and insulting.
"At our jobs, it's generally important to get along well with our coworkers. Typically, we're reliant on their help and support in some way, and it simply feels better to be nice and supportive, as opposed to bitter and vindictive. If treating your colleagues with respect is important to you, please consider some of the following activities:
• "Become aware of how you greet and talk to your coworkers. Do you begin with 'Hi, how are you?' or immediately start talking about a problem or what you need the other person to do? Do you smile when you talk to others? Essentially, do you give others the same civility and respect you would like to receive?
• "As you approach someone, notice that person's behavior, facial expressions, and posture. Do they seem to suggest a particular emotion? If it seems as if the person is having a difficult time, ask one of the most powerful questions: 'How can I help?'
• "Put particular attention on how your coworkers respond to what you do or say. Notice whether they seem to 'react' to something by getting angry or suddenly becoming cold and indifferent. With empathic curiosity, ask what just happened to find out what button you might have pushed.
• "Notice when you've made a negative judgment about a coworker. What did this person do or say that led to your assessment? Is it possible that this same circumstance could be interpreted differently? The concept of fundamental attribution error in psychology contends that we explain our own poor behavior as the result of circumstances while regarding others' bad behavior as reflective of their personalities. Given this cognitive bias, is it possible that some external situation could have contributed to the other person's actions?
" 'What about people who treat me poorly? Do I have to be nice to them?' you ask. In a word, no. But notice the difference in you. How do you feel when you treat an 'undeserving' coworker with contempt and disrespect? In contrast, how do you feel when you treat that person compassionately? In all likelihood, the latter situation feels better for you. So, given the choice, doesn't it feel nicer to be nice?"
